Humor – Page 2 – Word Smith Wisdom

The Number Of Love

I’ve worked out the math. It is done.
I have the answer for everyone.
It all boils down to one number.
It even covers the sound of thunder.
It is not 666, it is the number of God.
And all that is His. Now that’s not odd.
God is love. So this is love’s number.
Let no man be put asunder.
Every man should have love somehow.
So I am giving you the number right now.
It is: Beachwood 4-5789.
You can call it up & get a date any old time.
Just don’t say you heard it from me.
Because the answer is plain to see.
It is written down in black and white.
So that should not cause any fight.
There is clearly no mystery here.
There is nothing that you should fear.
So go ahead and give it a try.
You will find that I didn’t lie.
Just don’t act like a fool.
Because that number also goes for you.

—————————–R.W. Johnson—–(2018)

Can Animals Talk With Each Other?

I heard a blue jay squawking.
It wasn’t me he was mocking.
He was saying things, I was sure.
I just couldn’t tell what they were.
Then, I heard a crow caw loudly.
He seemed to be talking proudly.
Then a squirrel was making noise.
He wasn’t playing with any toys.
He was chattering at another.
Better that than fight with each other.
A song bird seemed to be singing.
Ducks quacked, while overhead winging.
The language of nature was there.
You could hear it anytime anywhere.
It would be great to know what they say.
I went inside and asked my African Gray.
“Polly wants a cracker” was all he said.
“Clam up dummy” Was I out of my head?
He only repeats what I taught him.
I just asked him on a whim.
“Do animals talk with one another?”
“Do you argue with your mother?”
What kind of answer was that?
“You smart assed parrot rat.”
“It is the answer you are seeking.”
“Yes. In simple terms I am speaking.”
I almost passed out on the floor.
I couldn’t get him to talk anymore.
But, the answer seems to be clear.
Don’t ask a parrot if one is near.

—————————–R.W. Johnson—–(2018)

Dorothy’s Day Dream

“Are you staying in?”
The scarecrow said with a grin.
“I’ll be right out” he heard her shout.
“Just trying to figure this out.”
“Tin man and lion are here.”
“I am coming, have no fear.”
“Here I am. Where are we going?”
“We thought we’d do a little strolling.”
“Heading down the yellow brick road.”
“Toward the Emerald City, we’ve been told.”
“We might get to see The Wizard Of Oz.”
“We have purpose. We have a cause.”
“And just what might that be?”
“We’ve told you before. Can’t you see?”
“You guys are losers. You won’t get a thing.”
“All you do is make a scene.”
“We see already you need an attitude.”
“Or, have yours adjusted, if in the mood.”
“We just want to be more human, you see.”
“But, not with your attitude. Not for me.”
“O.k., o.k. I’ll work on that.”
“I just want to go home. That’s a fact.”
So, they skipped on down the road.
Before long, they saw a toad.
“Good morning there Mr toad.”
“What’s good about it?” He spit on the road.
“Well, you are alive and well.”
“I need a kiss to break this spell.”
“I need a princes to kiss me.”
“Then, I will become a handsome prince, you see.”
“Could you give this toad a kiss Dorothy.”
“What?? No!! I might become warty.”
“You need work done on that attitude.”
“Thanks, I can do without your platitudes.”
“Go ask the wizard for help Mr toad.”
“That’s what caused this I’ve been told.”
“Not The Wizard, magic. A witches curse.”
“It was after I told her what she’s worth.”
“She wanted me to be hers, the story goes.”
“I told her I’d rather kiss a toad.”
“So, she put this curse on me.”
“She thought it was real funny.”
“O.k., o.k.” Dorothy gave the toad a kiss.
Next she knew, she was in Kansas and his.
They were in the hay in the barn.
Toto was barking, protecting her from harm.
Tin man, lion. And scarecrow were there too.
Looking around, wondering what to do.
Then they heard a holler from the house.
Dorothy’s mom came to the barn house.
Dorothy’s mom woke Dorothy up.
“You sleeping in the hay again?”
“Come to the house. Supper’s about to begin.”
Dorothy looked around. They were alone.
It was a dream. Enough to make her groan.
She touched her lips. They felt all tingly.
What did that dream do to me?
She shook her head and went to the house.
All during dinner, she was quiet as a mouse.
If nothing else, her attitude was better.
After that day, she was a real go getter.

——————————————R.W. Johnson—–(2018)

Never Pleasing Weather

Well, today it’s hotter than hell.
I hope I can make it through this spell.
Oh what fun to be on a beach.
Cool water within my reach.
But, the sand would burn my feet.
“Nothing works,” I cry in defeat.
I will lay here with a cold beer.
Sorry darling, you can’t be near.
It is too damned hot to fool around.
Today is hot enough to kill a clown.
Slowly, the day drags by.
As the boiling sun creeps across the sky.
I could fry eggs on the sidewalk.
But, it’s too hot to even walk.
I feel as if my tongue will swell.
I’m melting away. Anyone can tell.
I am wet everywhere.
Sweaty feet to dripping hair.
More beer, I must stay hydrated.
Without it I become dehydrated.
Have you ever suffered through heat like this?
It is so hot there is no need to piss.
Being inside doesn’t help at all.
It is stifling. I can’t even crawl.
I’ll fill the tub with water and soak in it.
Maybe that will cool me a little bit.
I feel like cutting carrots and onions.
Adding them to the tub. The fun begins.
Aahhh!!, what am I thinking?
I’ll just lie here and keep on reeking.
Then, I turned on the TV and got the news.
They said the stores were running out of booze.
Worst news I’ve never heard.
Till they told me what will occur.
Another 5 days of this retched heat.
I should die and admit defeat.
But, no. I will tough it out.
Then, in 6 days I will shout.
“I’m alive!!, but now it’s cold, no doubt.”

—————————————-R.W. Johnson—–(2018)

The Country Way

The time has come to run.
We’ve been having lots of fun.
But, our time of joy is over.
Either run, or push up clover.
Each of them has a gun.
They will shoot us just for fun.
It is time to color us gone.
Now, run faster than a fawn.
See you when it’s over and done.
Then we will have more fun.
They won’t chase us very far.
Even if they use a car.
They lose interest very fast.
Nothing they do seems to last.
They are just good old country boys.
A guitar, a beer, and make some noise.
They don’t care who lost or won.
Only if daddy has his white shotgun.
They want it formal, win or lose.
Then it’s back to drinking booze.
So we will lie low for awhile.
Soon, we will be able to smile.
Then I will walk up to him.
And say: “Guess what? Were next of kin.”

—————————-R.W. Johnson—–(2018)

There Is No Cure For Stupidity

I read every book that he could find.
I was literally running out of time.
The Doctors said there was no cure.
The thought gave me a lot of fear.
Just a six word statement was all.
It meant I was in for a very big fall.
“There is no cure for stupidity.”
That’s what the doctor said to me.
There has to be something I can do.
I don’t want people thinking I’m a fool.
I can read, but not real well.
I just hope no one can tell.
A computer is way over my head.
I feel like I should stay in bed.
Then, I found a way to show I am smart.
I helped kids at the grade school with art.
Soon, the cops hauled me away.
Said I was a pervert. What did I say?
“There is no cure for stupidity.”
That’s what the cops said to me
What in the hell am I supposed to do?
I have never been mean to you.
They said I needed a special school.
They would have a lot for me to do.
Who knows, maybe I would get smarter.
Mind your manners. Don’t be a farter.
So,—– off to school I went.
I was mad and wanted to vent.
The school said no to me.
“There is no cure for stupidity.”

—————————-R.W. Johnson—–(2018)

Best Laid Plans

A scientist made a fantastic discovery.
A queen wasp trapped in some amber.
Eons old,—– quite a recovery.
He would have revenge on all slander.
Think Jurassic Park, but with a wasp.
He would clone a living queen.
He would achieve it at all cost.
In the end, they will think him mean.
He was successful in his work.
The queen then produced a hive.
Their sting had a venomous quirk.
Their strongest venom did thrive.
They communicated, like a hive brain.
Each had their separate jobs.
They mastered this to obtain
the right to rule at all odds.
A more vicious foe has never been seen.
They would soon replace man.
They would be superior, it seems.
They would rule. That was the plan.
Their creator had been an outcast for years.
This was his time for revenge.
Only thing, he forgot something, it appears.
He didn’t get the proper permits. The end.
The government shut him down.
He had nowhere to turn to.
His plans disappeared. No where around.
Another mad scientist, reduced to a fool.

——————————–R.W. Johnson—–(2018)

The Problem Is CRS

I saw my friend the other night.
I must say he looked quite the sight.
“What is the matter with you?”
He said “I have CRS. Oh yeah, it’s true!”
“CRS? What did the Dr say?”
“He said I have CRS, earlier today.”
“Well, that’s not so bad” I said.
He said “Are you out of your head?”
“It’s CRS man, my days are numbered.”
“I guess that could be a real bummer.”
“But, it shouldn’t kill you. Not right away.”
“So, everyday I live in fear and pray?”
“You won’t remember by tomorrow.”
“Can’t you even show some sorrow?”
“Come on. I forget stuff every day.”
“It’s just a ‘senior moment’ is all I say.”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“CRS. Can’t remember shit!!” I shout.
“What? That is not what CRS is.”
“Cancer Recurring Symptoms it is.”
“What? Is that what the Dr said?”
“He said I had CRS. It was in my head.”
“When I asked him what to do?”
He said ‘write it down. That’s best for you’”
“I thought he meant to make out a will.”
“My days are numbered. I’m feeling ill.”
I said “Not to worry my friend.”
“I am pretty sure this is not the end.”
“He meant you can’t remember shit.”
“So, write it down to remember it.”
“Well, shit. That is a bummer.”
“I’d rip his ass, but I forgot his number.

——————————-R.W. Johnson—–(2018)

Ghost Tales Anyone??

It was dusk and growing black.
No moon, no stars, nothing like that.
Something creeping around out there.
Everyone had better beware.
It’s not a thriller, chiller or killer.
It is just the local miller.
His face is white from flour dust.
His clothes are dark, with scent of musk.
His voice is loud, almost a whale.
Like someone hung with a rusty nail.
People are scared. Rumors running wild.
Don’t go out. Keep an eye on your child.
He actually wouldn’t harm a fly.
But, people are scared, fear is high.
People said he was the deadly reaper.
Others thought it was a killing creeper.
Listen! What’s that outside the door?
It’s someone knocking, yelled a whore.
Get back!! Then they heard this sound.
“Let me in. Flour is getting on the ground.”
What do you think that means?
That’s no ghost or what it seems.
It’s Joe, the local miller.
He wouldn’t hurt a caterpillar
I wasn’t scared. I knew it was him.
Why are your pants all wet then?

——————————R.W. Johnson—–(2018)

Battle On The Play Ground

There is little time to mess around.
There is a fight on the play ground.
Nobody knows what they are fighting about.
It started when Joe hit her in the snout.
Break it up. Send them to the principle.
Now, now, let us all be sensible.
What do you mean by that?
Two teachers are fighting. It’s more than a scrap.
I doubt the principle can do much here.
He won’t paddle them, I fear.
Maybe he’ll take them out to lunch.
I’m sure they would like that a bunch.
Besides, I hear he often tips a beer.
That won’t help. That much is clear.
It is a bad example to the kids.
The balls she kneed was his.
He was rolling on the ground in pain.
But, he still managed to hit her with his cane.
Its gotten bloody, and they haven’t stopped.
She bit him with all she’s got.
It was with 2 teeth, maybe three.
He knocked one out trying to get free.
Man, he really split her lip.
She has blood smeared on her hip.
She yelled she hope he rots.
That’s it, I’m calling the cops.
Too late now. I think he had a stroke.
Or a heart attack. He does smoke.
What is this world coming to?
Obviously, not what it’s supposed to do.

—————————————R.W. Johnson—–(2018)