Humor – Word Smith Wisdom

“Mountain Mania”

Mountain Mania

Way back in the hills of Tennessee
Something was brewing and it wasn’t tea.
Uncle John was at it again.
But, he wasn’t making bathtub gin.
He had his still fired up to the max.
You could buy this booze and not pay tax.
It was some potent mountain brew.
Burn your hairs and moustache too.
Some teenage kids had an idea.
Instead of: “I caught ya. Wouldn’t want to be ya.”
They decided to pull a psilocybin trick.
Some ‘magic mushrooms’, blended thick.
They added the mix to the still.
That should give em all a thrill.
Uncle John didn’t have a clue.
He sold all his jugs of the special brew.
Customers were seeing pixies dancing on the lawn.
Pink elephants flying around till dawn.
Bizarre colors and shooting stars.
Some were seeing men from Mars.
The teenagers were laughing their asses off.
Till someone shot at them from a loft.
Uncle John had to shut down his still.
He decided to make out his will.
Things were quite tense for quite some time.
It was said: “That was some damn good moonshine.”
Uncle John didn’t think he could do it again.
He didn’t know how to even begin.
Finally, the teenagers told him what they did.
Uncle John was mad & almost flipped his lid.
Then, he realized there was money in it.
He hired the teenagers and brewed more shit.
They called it. “Mountain Mania.”
One drink and you are insane. Ya!!
By the time the revenuers caught on.
Uncle John and kids were long gone.

——————————————-R.W. Johnson—–(2019)

A Writer’s Snare

A Writer’s Snare.

I am leaving on a jet plane.
Not sure if I’ll be back. Don’t complain.
What am I saying? I’ll be right here.
I am not leaving. You have nothing to fear.
I’m just fooling around with lyrics from songs.
There is no way I’ll be saying so long.
As I come closer, inch by inch.
I am more quiet than the Grinch.
Still fooling around with words.
Quit saying it is for the birds.
O.k., I have never seen a tree
with a bark as pretty as thee.
What? That’s poetry, is it not?
Funny, all you can do is squawk.
He tucked, he rolled, he stopped.
He managed to ditch the cop.
All right, all right, I will try it again.
Tonight, after dark, when all is free.
You will find me hugging my TV.
Fine, I’ll quit writing when you are present.
I would just as soon be eating pheasant.
Thank God, she is finally gone.
Now, maybe, I can write that song.
I forgot what I was going to write now?
A short nap and it will come to me somehow.

———————————-R.W. Johnson—–(2018)

Writer’s Cramp?

I asked for advice that might come to mind.
They said stick it where the sun don’t shine.
I said what kind of advice is that, you jerks.
They said to take it for what it is worth.
I just wanted help to write this down.
They said do we look like simple clowns?
What in the world does that mean?
They said look at the whole, not in between.
That is about as clear as mud, I said.
Just like the thoughts inside your head.
You insulting sapsuckers are no help at all.
Oh, is our little poet going to bawl?
Ask for a little help and what do I get?
You couldn’t get it right, even on a bet.
That’s it. I’ve had it with this word smith trash.
Good. It’s time you wrote something with a little class.
I’ve had enough! You guys have got to go.
That’s kind of hard when were in your head bro.
Then it hit me like a revelation out of time.
These voices I’ve been hearing are mine.
To be able to write poetry without help,
I have to learn to tune out self.
Do other writers have this problem?
But then, this is not really about them.
A little self analysis should help.
Sassy, you’re just a little whelp.
Wise ass, you’re really the real fool.
You sapsuckers wouldn’t know what to do,
if it wasn’t for me,—- you fools.
There, that should clear my mind.
Now, I can put in some quality time.
Good poetry will soon be on the way.
Those sapsuckers can harass me some other day.

———————————————-R.W. Johnson—–(2018)

The Cyber Blues

See the big bird coming out of the sky.
It brings cyber savings. Man, I’m flying high.
It’s cyber Monday and I’m surfing the web.
So many savings, I’m going out of my head.
Buy now!!
Every site I go to, prices are cut to the max.
I can save a bundle, even if I pay tax.
Savings on electronics, savings on tools.
Computer work faster. I’m nobody’s fool.
Buy Now!!
Savings on all my favorite outdoor stuff.
Buy it right now. Getting through is tuff.
Buy a bigger screen TV, and laptop too.
So many things, I don’t know what to do?
Buy Now!!
What is this? Should I be concerned?
All my credit cards maxed. I’m burned.
My wife will kill me if she finds this out.
I forgot her gift—-. All I can do is pout.
Buy Now!!

——————————R.W. Johnson—–(2018)

The Little Knight Faces Civil Unrest

The little knight was having a bad day.
The kingdom wasn’t the same old way.
There was talk of rebellion against the king.
Many people were going to the extreme.
The civil unrest was totally uncalled for.
The country was not even in a war.
The king was calling his knights together.
The little knight knew this wasn’t for the better.
He would give his life to defend the kingdom.
But, fight citizens?—– He might wing one.
It was his sworn duty to obey the king.
No matter what the results may bring.
He did not want to see the king dethroned.
But then, he didn’t want citizens stoned.
He was stuck between a rock and a hard place.
He hoped he wouldn’t have to use his mace.
Thousands of knights were there, he found.
The king said “shit”, and 10,000 iron pants hit the ground.
“Get those pants up and listen to me.”
“Our citizen’s are yelling they want to be free.”
“For some reason, they don’t want a monarchy.”
“They want to have a say in how things are done.”
“Many of them are no better than scum”
“Obviously, some changes need to be made.”
“Martial law is a good card to be played.”
The little knight didn’t know what to do.
He was against this and he was no fool.
The little knight has always come out on top.
But, he has never been put in this kind of a spot.
At risk of being arrested, he was about to speak up.

When he suddenly was awakened by his pup.
He was in bed with the TV playing.
The news was on and it was saying.
‘Civil unrest throughout the country.’
While showing pictures it went on to say plenty.
The little knight got up and turned it off.
He took a swig of hard liquor and coughed.
He had been dreaming about civil unrest.
Seems things were putting him to the test.
The little knight wasn’t sure what to do.
Except to vote. He knew for sure he had to.

—————————————————-R.W. Johnson—–(2018)

Improbable History

“In 1492, something sailed the ocean blue.”
“I am wondering about it, just like you.”
“I’ve heard rumors. They are in my head.”
“It all happened, just like they said.”
“But, what the hell happened,” I asked.
As I sat there scratching my ass.
“Didn’t you pay attention in school?”
“Of course I did, you dorky fool!”
“Well, this was taught in history class.”
“Sorry.—– That was one I didn’t pass.”
“That is easy enough to tell.”
“Would you like a one way ticket to hell?”
“Don’t get in an uproar, it’s time to learn.”
“The answer to this riddle we will confirm.”
“Columbus sailed the ocean blue.”
“It happened way back in 1492.”
“Who gives a hoot about way back then?”
“Did he set a speed record, or smuggle gin?”
“NO. He discovered America.”
“The New World; and met native Americans.”
“Well, blow me down. No wonder I failed.”
“I probably slept through such a boring tale.”
“The queen hocked her jewels to pay for his trip.”
“What? He hocked stolen jewels to make that trip?”
“No wonder he wanted to get away as far as possible.”
“Now you’re making a mockery of history. Not plausible.”
“I’m just telling it in laymen’s words.”
“You’ve earned another ‘F’. It’s for the birds.”
“Teaching you history is an impossible job.”
“You are one person who is very odd.”
“Speak for yourself. One of worthless knowledge.”
“To learn the truth, I will have to go to college.”

—————————————————-R.W. Johnson—–(2018)

Unanswered Questions

All my life, through its ups and downs,
with everything that’s come around.
I have always asked and complained.
Whatever happened to Baby Jane?
Also, who killed Roger Rabbit?
Seems it is becoming a habit.
Does Ronald McDonald have this?
Do sesame seeds on his buns exist?
By buns,—– I mean his buttocks.
Remember, this is not a ‘knock knock.’
Does Peter Pan really fly?
Do birds drop white wash in your eye?
What kind of music does a rubber band play?
Does any worm get up early each day?
Can a cow jump over the moon?
Can you spend 80 days in a balloon?
Can Beethoven roll over in his grave?
Can a barrel of monkeys behave?
When does one and one make three?
It is when a family starts, you see.
Is tip towing through the tulips the answer?
How come Santa named a reindeer Prancer?
Why is it only The Shadow knows?
Why do we kiss under mistletoe?
What does kemosabe really mean?
How are cupcakes filled with cream?
The list goes on without an end.
I won’t bore you with it, friend.
Make your own list when you have time.
I’ll bet yours is longer than mine.

—————————————R.W. Johnson—–(2018)

“I’ve Got The Power”

All my life I’ve been working on this.
I must say, it has been a real bitch.
But, now I can say, after my shower.
A 4 word statement: “I’ve got the power!!”
What exactly do I mean by this?
Is it martial arts gone amiss?
It has nothing to do with that.
Unless I want to make that a fact.
What I’ve accomplished is a lot.
I brought knowledge to this very spot.
I can tap into the Akastic Record at will.
The total, complete record. What a chill.
Through a trance, I can know it all.
Total, complete knowledge at my call.
I become a super, super computer.
All knowledge available to me. Super duper.
From the very beginning of time.
To the distant future. All is mine.
I can solve any problem.
I can create anything. Now or then.
Time travel is within my grasp.
Accurate predictions that will last.
There is nothing I cannot know or do.
“I have the power,” it is true.
I am like a god in human flesh.
My powers are endless, no less.
There is only one thing I don’t understand.
The mind of a woman? It’s different than a man’s.

—————————————–R.W. Johnson—–(2018)

The Zoo

They say it’s all happening at the zoo.
I don’t believe it. I don’t believe it’s true.
I know the zoo is fun to see.
But, there is other places I’d rather be.
Especially since the monkey’s flung their poo.
The laughing hyena was laughing at you.
The tiger roared and charged the cage.
You bet your booties I was afraid.
The elephants are very smart.
But, have you ever smelled one fart?
The snakes hiss and have beady eyes.
The lions, they wear a thin disguise.
I took a look at the gnu.
For some reason, it reminded me of you.
The giraffes are nice. They make no noise.
The gorillas would break me up like toys.
All the birds are pretty colored.
They stink like bird poop, I uttered.
The stupid seal got me wet.
People laughed. I wanted to forget.
This place is freaking me out.
Maybe the animals know what it’s about.
As for me, let me out of here.
I would rather be home sipping a beer.

————————————-R.W. Johnson—–(2018)

Speed Kills

Yesterday I was tearing up the road.
Up ahead, a truck, with a heavy load.
“Out of my way. I got a license to fly.”
The truck pulled over and let me by.

In my mirror, I saw a motorcycle.
Up the middle is where he might go.
Sure enough, he started to come on by.
I opened my door and made him fly.

I’m a terror on wheels, ripping up the road.
If you’re in my way, I’ll knock you out cold.
I’ve got 4-11 gears and dual exhausts.
Fuel injection. I can really get lost.

When walking, I wouldn’t hurt an ant.
In my car,—- I rave and rant.
If people are slow, I pass them on the right.
I am twice as bad when driving at night.

I live for speed and speed loves me.
I go so fast, the world’s a blur to see.
Maybe I should slow down. I see spots.
The lines in the road look like dots.

Then it happened. The cops are after me.
By then, my tail lights was all they could see.
I made a left, then another quick right.
Shut it down, off with the lights.

They went cruising by, it was late at night.
I went the other way. I was soon out of sight.
They can’t catch me. I’m as fast as lightening.
I am so fast, at times it is frightening.

On my tombstone, the epitaph will read.
Everywhere he went with speed.
But, he couldn’t outrun death.
So here he lies, buried in his Vette.

———————————R.W. Johnson—–(2018)